Wednesday, October 27, 2010

This Is The End, My Fri... Oh Wait, No. It Isn’t.


Hey all.

Well guys, with almost 6 months and no updates, I guess I should call it. Ranticular, my old website from which I once shouted at the world, is over.

*Does A Little Jig*

Bye....

...Oh don't look at me like that. I’m sorry guys, the internet just doesn’t need me anymore. I set my site up to bitch about the awfulness of everything as well as expose the world to how very funny I can be (It's just taking you people awhile to notice that's all). Sadly a huge problem with spam has stopped me dead, with over 68,000 (?!?) comments appearing in two weeks offering me ways to enlarge my penis or make thousands from the comfort of my sitting room all thanks to a simple mistake I can't undo. So www.ranticular.com will not be posting anymore articles.

But in all honesty, does the world at large need me or my rage anymore? I mean recent films have been amaz...


...Oh...

Ahem. Ok so the world of films still has its occasional ups and downs but when has that not been true eh? Surely thats just a once-off blip in what is otherwise a very strong August film season right?

Son Of A Bitch!

Ok, the Autumn film season is always one of the weakest of the year, its a time-honoured Hollywood tradition, a cleaning out of the closet almost. Usually there is at least one strong contender and this year its the amazing Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. If you havn’t seen it by now I can’t even express how much you are missing out. As such, I’m glad to see it take its rightful place as champion of the Box-Office... What do you mean it barely made $45,135,506, which doesn't even make back its production costs...?

For Fucks Sake!

I must not fear, fear is the mindkiller...

Well I’m just looking at a microcosm of films over the past few months, lets look at other big budget blockbuster films to come out this Summer shall we?

... Fear Is The Little Death That Brings Total Oblivion...

This is insane, I mean this really is utterly insane. Ok so the Summer was by and large an abortion of a season. Fine. But what of the future? I for one was very excited about the up-coming Jonah Hex film (As many of you may recall from my news update on it ages ago). One of my favourite DC francises was finally getting its chance to shine! So lets take a quick look...

Oh, so now Jonah isn’t quite the merciless killer from the comics, Megan Fox does not play the horrifically scarred and incredibly damaged Tallulah Black as I had initially hoped and Quentin Turnbull is now a voodoo priest?

Wow, thats really fucking stupid.

I know the film was never going to crest the dizzy heights it's comic roots, being one of DC's most violent yet also most tragic franchises and always rooted in the real world compared to most other comics of the time. Forgiving that brief incidence of time-traval the comic attempted in the 1980's. Which was admittedly silly, though not nearly as silly as making Jonah now ESP-senstive for no fucking reason. Finally, the poster sucks.

Is That A Railgun In Your Pocket Or Blah Blah Blah

For all the uber-nerds that may send me extremely picky e-mails or comments yes, I am aware there was a spin-off comic series in the 90’s entitled Two-Gun Mojo that had a plot similar to the films. That series was also a huge flop and often regarded as one of the worst Jonah Hex series ever. Why base your film on a weak spin-off, is it because zombies are still quote-unquote ‘cool’? Because John Malkovich really looks like he had a good voodoo priest in him? Sweet Lord, why give Hex the ability to resurrect the dead? He never had that power in the comic, the comics made a point of him not having any super-human powers! FOR FUCK SAKE WHY?!

*Gasp... Pant*... Ok so the world of films may still need me it seems but no, this whole ‘Running a website alone that no one looks at’ lark is too exhausting, shit films alone will not sway me. Even with all this awful cinematic dogshit lying around, you people have enough other mediums to enjoy, mediums in which you have all grown numb to awfulness, where nothing can truly hurt you anymore and you are therefore safe. Right?

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This Simply Will Not Do!

That is it.

Starting next week, from my new location right here, expect hopefully an article a week.

Thanks to all the people who kept encouraging me to start this again. You guys are awesome.

Til next time!


4 comments:

  1. My darling Tim, how this has made me smile... :-D

    ReplyDelete
  2. wootp

    yes that's right. I correct no typos

    -Kev

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aw but I was so looking forward to your almost psychotic attack on my grammar

    ReplyDelete