Sorry for the huge delay, life seemed to keep getting in the way of this blog. But now I'm back, with plans for an article once a week and a score to settle with the world! Starting here with THE film I've been waiting all year to see.
Twilight : Breaking Dawn Part 1 (subtitled "The One With All The Fucking") finally allows the two protagonists of the series thus far to get married, after the entire third movie (Eclipse) seemed to exist just to cock-block them. Yup, Edward Cullen (vampire in the loosest sense of the word, hot, bored) and Bella Swan (into both necrophilia and bestiality, hot, bored) get hitched and give themselves over to Vampire Jesus. As a side note, Vampire Jesus seems totally ok with implied homosexuality.
Oh and spoiler alert!
It is at this point that a recap of the series so far might be useful but if you arn't a Twi-Hard then fear not, all you need to know is that ordinary yet also super awesome Bella (Kristen Stewart) is madly in love with kinda-Vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) but only somewhat in love with Jacob (Taylor Lautner). Oh and Jacob is a kinda-Werewolf. All of them behave like creepy stalkers to each other which apparently makes them deep and complex. All good? Then lets-a-go!
The film opens with Jacob's chest, proving that the director at least understands what kind of audience he is attracting. Then the wedding takes place, which is probably my favourite part of the whole film, because Bella's father Charlie (Billy Burke) gets to be the only credible thing in the series yet again. Him and his bitchin' pornstar mustache own every single scene they appear in, confirming to me that we should all forget Team Jacob and Team Edward and join Team Cockduster instead! That's the mustache, in case anyone though this film had implied homosexuality in it. Oh, wait...
And Not Even Crossing The Finish Line Is Team Mike, Bless Him For Trying
So after all that, Bella and Edward go to Rio De Janeiro for three minutes, then to the most perfect Island getaway ever. Once here they immediately pout and panic, Bella's rationale being that she is about to lose her virginity while Edward's reasons being he may have to touch a vagina. Edward also doesn't want to kill her with his super-amazing vampire cock, because of his super-strength. Will his semen explode out her back like a shotgun? And how can Edward have sex if he has no blood-flow, is he planning to have sex on a softie and hope Bella doesn't notice? Will Edward and Bella ever learn to kiss properly?! I can't handle all this drama!
Of course they have limp, passionate-less sex and Edward totally trashes the room, apparently in some sort of post-coitus frenzy. It is here that the film stops explaining itself fully and unless you have read the books you may get confused. The reason there are feathers everywhere is Edward bit the pillow during sex, perhaps as some sort of vampire aphrodisiac, who knows? I've been known to devour an entire Watermelon during sex myself, just because I can.
Also Bella is heavily bruised. Edward immediately activates his trusty emo-shield and whines about hurting her (instead of, you know, trying to look after her or whatever). Bella insists that it doesn't matter that he hurt her, because she loves him... Teenage girls of the world, take notes. After totally ignoring his very legitimate concerns the two of them whine about how unhappy they are now because they have made each other unhappy by being unhappy. Then they cheer up and have uncomfortable sex some more. Seriously, I have no fucking idea what kind of message the film is sending out here. Bella?
Still, a message built around only sleeping with those you love probably isn't a bad message, is it?
Oh wait, Bella IMMEDIATELY gets punished for her sexy time by getting pregnant with a ultra-fast-growing monster baby! You read that correctly. Bella, after getting married to the one she loves, has sex and is rewarded by carrying a demon baby that starts to literally rip her apart from the inside out (In the book, her spine shatters during the birth).
Aw well, at least it was a beautiful wedding right?
Bella hides at Edwards house where his father figure Dr. Carlisle (Peter Facinelli) explains that the baby is apparently a son/daughter of Krypton as needles and ultra-sounds can't penetrate the womb. Meanwhile Bella gets to be played by Linsey Lohan as she gets more sickly and ill from her little developing bundle of joy.
While abortion is discussed (but never directly mentioned, wouldn't want to upset the kids would we?) Bella insists on keeping the baby, thus making the one scene where she stands up for herself as a woman also the scene where she accepts dying to keep a child, the ultimate in old-fashioned wife duties. Feminism? Never heard of it!
Now Away To The Kitchen With You And Cook Something
This set-up continues for over an hour. At one point Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) delivers the worst line reading of the whole series so far. Good for him. In another scene, Edward googles demon babies, for the LOL's i assume. I think it would have been more sensible to have googled birth control at an earlier date. You fucking moron.
Meanwhile, the Werewolf clan Jacob is attached to wish to kill the Cullen's if Bella dies as this will void their treaty and WHO GIVES A SHIT?! The one good thing about this mess is an utterly hilarious scene involving all the Werewolves (who look like angry sheep wrapped in bath mats) debating what to do next while in wolf form and communicating telepathically. This involves really weak CGI, animal sounds and character actors screaming at each other like they are in a pantomime. Jacobs declaration to help the Cullen's is the most embarrassing thing Taylor Lautner has ever been a part of (and he surfed a cookie in The Adventures Of Sharkboy & Lavagirl In 3D).
And Only One Guy Can Make Cookies Cool
Anyhow, enough fun, back to Bella and her punishment pregnancy! Just to note that in the book, this section passes with so much more brutality then in the film. Bella "vomits a fountain of blood" and her placenta tears after a fall with a "muffled ripping sound". In the film, it just takes ages and then she has to birth a child without a doctor, as Dr. Carlisle decided the potential night of the birth is the best time to run off into the woods for some blood. The complete cock.
Thus it is up to Jacob and Edward to help deliver the baby, all the other vampires being completely over-come by the blood and unable to do anything but leave the delivery room while staring creepily. This scene, while much much tamer then the books birthing scene, is still like something out of Rosemary's Baby or The Exorcist with violent close-ups, blood and screaming. This is extremely disturbing and there are probably countless teenage girls truamatised about childbirth, especially when dreamy, perfect EDWARD CHEWS THE FETUS OUT OF BELLA.
No that wasn't a joke. Edward eats through his beloved Bella's uterus to get the baby out in time.
BTW It's a girl. Hurrah!
But wait, it gets better! Bella dies after the birth and rather then kill Edward, Jacob decides the new baby is more deserving of death and goes to add infanticide to the list of things this series teaches to teens. But then he decided pedophilia would be a better lesson and IMMEDIATELY FALLS IN LOVE WITH A NEWBORN BABY!
No, that also wasn't a joke.
Here You Go Jacob, You Earned It
So Jacob falls in love with (or imprints on, it's a werewolf thing) a baby girl fresh from the womb. Who is named Renesmee, because who the fuck cares about being taken seriously at this point? There's a fight scene, because every Twilight film must have an action scene that looks like it was shot by a spastic squirrel. The camera swoops and zooms in too close on the bathmats vs goths battle until Jacob comes out and ends it, by admitting his love for a baby less then an hour old. Interesting tactic to be sure.
Rather then everyone turning on Jacob and ripping him apart, they all just look confused and go home, vowing to never speak of this again. The Cullen's are left to ponder the merits of Dracula Day-Care and get the world most powerful restraining order on Jacob. The E...
Oh and Bella isn't dead because without her the Earth would stop spinning. So instead we end on a shot of her all red-eyed and super-duper sexy! The En...
No wait, we end on the Italian Vampire Mafia from Twilight : New Moon, discussing how the Cullen's have something they want. A newborn infant...? Ewwww! Is everyone in this universe creepy as fuck?!
If the review didn't sum up my feeling towards Twilight : Breaking Dawn Part 1 then allow me to explain. This was hilarious! That the Twilight series as a whole was ever taken seriously is a mind-fuck to me and this film is so insane that I imagine even fans are a little embarrassed at this point.
With characters being portrayed as...
... or even as...
*Swoo...* Wait, What...
... and the over-use of drama to the point where genuine dramatic moments have to be played as horror moments for them to work, this series has utterly lost it's way. Who would have thought it could get worse then New Moon?
Where most series reach for high camp at this point, Twilight : Breaking Dawn Part 1 just gets bogged down in it's own ineptness. The film is shot like an advertisement, saddled with weak, apathetic actors, given a slow, pointlessly padded pace (there did NOT need to be two Breaking Dawn films) and an hilariously awful script that ends up being funnier then Vampires Suck, which was at least meant to be a spoof of this kind of thing!
Bring on Twilight : Breaking Dawn Part 2 I say!
Rating : 1 Batty Bat Out Of 5, As The Count From Sesame Street Is Now A More Legitimate Vampire Then The Ones Here.
See It If You Like : The Other Twilight Films, Women Paying For Having Sex (You Sick Fucks).
Til next time!