Worst Films of 2010 No.7 - Cop Out

Plot:

It’s got Tracey Morgan in it, being Tracey Morgan. Also Bruce Willis playing yet another old and worn out cop. Something about Baseball cards. Look its a buddy cop film, this isn't Shakespeare.

Reasons it’s on the list:

I typically love a good genre film. There is nothing wrong with being a little predictable if you can be fun as well. Kevin Smith as director for Cop Out therefore (initially) sounded like a great idea to me. Having a long and proud history of making us laugh... well ok maybe that's a grotesque exaggeration, more like a small cluster of interesting, funny films and 10 years of wandering the cinematic wilderness... Cop Out doesn't change this.

Seriously why are Kevin Smith films still cultural landmarks? Aside from Dogma, Clerks and the excellent Chasing Amy Smith has released repetitive stoner-culture nonsense films that boast about how clever they is and never actually prove it. In fairness, he has always had an ear for hip, quotable dialogue and he's still a better film writer then he is a director. So therefore I admit I was wrong, having Smith take someone else's script and direct it should have sounded like a terrible idea. Because it is. Silly me.

Enough on Smith and the overly long point that the film is shot in a dull manner for a buddy cop film, why is Cop Out really on this list? Well Tracey Morgan is a major reason. Playing a low rent version of himself from 30 Rock, his dumb black man in a white mans world routine is lazy and tired, not to mention majorly offensive. He single-handedly is undoing years of positive race relations by playing this character that en-compromises all that is worst about cinema's depiction of an entire race. I hate this actor and the fact he can play exactly one character, his unlikable self.

Moving beyond Tracey, Bruce Willis continues the trend he has been on since Unbreakable of just not caring at all. He is boring and bored in this film, which I would be too if almost a quarter of my movie was spent swapping lame one-liners with Tracey Morgan dressed as a cell-phone. The villain Poh Boy (Guillermo Diaz) is one of the most pathetically laughable thugs I have seen all year. Even worse, he is not played for laughs at all and instead we are supposed to be scared of this character who makes Jesse from Breaking Bad seem legitimately street. Oh and Seann William Scott doing awful Bugs Bunny impersonations was just the icing on the cake.

Kevin Smith has done himself no favours whatsoever here, even goes so far as to suggest to charge film reviewers in to see future films of his after the critical drub-down Cop Out received. That's kind of telling wouldn't you say? This is like a half-baked bad TV show that just goes on too long. Smith, you have lost your way and made a film that as easily could have based for Beverly Hills X, for shame.

No I'm In A Film. No It's Shit!

If you hated this, also avoid: The Other Guys

I did struggle with which one of these films to include, but the choice was made for me when I remembered the excellent cameo that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Samuel Jackson have in The Other Guys as super-hero police men. Aside from that this film is a weak Will Farrell vehicle at best and watching Mark Wahlberg play a far more mainstream-friendly version of his incredible performance in The Departed really hurts. More-over, its hard to think of a good reason to even watch the damn thing. We all know what Will Farrell movies involve and if you desire that kind of film just go watch Anchorman. Not quite as annoying and flat as Cop Out but that is faint praise indeed.

Oh I'll bet your all very excited about No.6 aren't you? 4pm tomorrow, be here! Til then!

Worst Films of 2010 No.8 – The Last Airbender

Plot:

Four different races, each in command of a certain element (Air, Earth, Water and Fire, Heart wasn't invited) are currently engaged in a huge war started by the Fire Nation under Fire Lord Ozai (Cliff Curtis) and that kid from Slumdog Millionaire (Dev Patel). M. Night Shyamalan goes into the warzone to give you all the badly edited action, incredibly limited acting and wantabe 3D effects fitting of an epic adapted from one of the best cartoon of the last five years. By their powers combined, The Last Airbender is easily one of the worst adaptations of all time.

Reasons it’s on the list:

Relative to a budget of €150 million comes a film that looks like it was made for €150. The effects all look unfinished; the acting is mostly at primary school play level and its all so darkly shot and paced so poorly that it is exceptionally hard to keep track of what’s going on. While this topped a lot of other critic’s lists for worst film of the year, I’m inclined to say that’s mostly down to how ‘safe’ it has become to bash Shyamalan since his last film, the proto-B movie disaster that was The Happening.The Last Airbender is undeniably a failure but there are saving graces, such as newcomer Noah Ringer at least somewhat selling the central character Aang to us. Some of the fight scenes have a nice fluidness to them that I enjoyed. Elsewhere, Dev Patel shows that he’s still a very strong newcomer, although I can’t imagine his career recovering from this kiss of death anytime soon.

Still, it’s 8^th on this list for a very good reason, namely its script is almost certainly one of the most exposition heavy and clunky that I have ever seen in a major summer blockbuster (bar perhaps Tranformers 2). From Oscar nods for The 6th Sense to lines like "I could tell at once that you were a bender, and that you would realise your destiny"', Shyamalan has fallen far. Even without the homosexual connotations that myself and the rest of the cinema noticed in that line (oh how we laughed), its typical of the awkward, unnatural-sounding dialogue the film is built on.

The Last Airbenders script is flat-out broken. It's not just weak, its self-contradicting, unintentionally hilarious and over the top, all the time striving for an epic air it just can't... quite... reach. Now why does that sound like another script I can think of...

Ohhh... Edgy!

If you hated this, also avoid: The Sorcerers Apprentice

The Sorcerers Apprentice is an exercise in nothingness. Its utterly and entirely forgetful. Even cheese-king (also my favorite actor) Nicolas Cage looks sick of this film from the moment he appears. Even worse is the fact that the effects team clearly put effort into their work. Damn it though if Jay Baruchel doesn’t ham himself into the ground in the most extreme attempt at over-compensation since the last time Tom Sizemore bedded someone. Not a proud day for anyone involved and not even so-bad-its-good in the vein Nicolas Cage does so well. Also a scene involving jump starting someone’s heart, which just proves the old adage that basing scenes on Motley Crue songs rarely works.

So yeah, the expected 1st is in fact 8th on the list, anyone want to start placing bets on the real No.1... but before that I'll see you all tomorrow for No.7, til then!

Worst Films of 2010 No.9 – Twilight: Eclipse

Plot:

Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) likes Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a vampire whose massive forehead can be seen from space. Strangely, rather then being an epic, heart-warming drama focusing on dealing with his physical deformity, Twilight: Eclipse is instead a love story, if love was less co-dependance and closer to drug addiction (personal Heroin if you will). Oh and there’s Jacob (Taylor Lautner) who is a werewolf and also a far better partner for Bella, as he doesn't pretend she isn't there most of the time. Also, there's something about a group of vampires out to kill Bella too but seriously, she is like super in love with Edward and kinda Jacob too but not really. Like seriously, OMG you guys Edward is like sooooooo hawt, Lol!

Reasons it’s on the list:

While I didn’t expect a masterpiece, I did expect a laugh, some cheap titters at awfully written characters and bizarre motivations. That’s really what the Twilight series has come to represent for me. I'm not being anti-Twilight because its the cool thing for critics to do, the series is IMPOSSIBLE to take seriously, seeming to exist solely as an exercise in lampooning itself. But Twilight: Eclipse changed all that and was actually a relatively well acted and nicely shot film, to its credit. Sadly this ruined the fun.

Without the awkward joy of the first films hammy dialogue and stiff delivery, lacking the outright comedy that was the second films rejected Dawson’s Creek tone; this series exposes its insane plot and truly terrible characters. Even if your a fan of the books and like the story, the film has zero joy attached to it and unlike the book which allow you to place yourself in Bella's place,here its all exposition and forcing you to sympathise with characters that define unlikeable. The entire film is painfully dull and pointless, especially seeing as the trailers alluded to such an exciting, dark film. The only real darkness comes from the protagonist Bella Swan, who becomes one of the biggest villains in cinema history at the end. This is even more horrific when you consider Twilight's influence on the young girls and confused guys globally. Allowing your lead character to not just be unlikable but a total bitch (Telling Jacob she loves him only to reject him immediately afterwards) and then having the nerve to suggest this is the right thing to do… wow.

Clearly...

If you hated this, also avoid: Vampires Suck

It’s sad when a film tries to make fun of something and ends up being less funny then the subject it’s ridiculing. Vampires Suck is unfunny, unoriginal and a waste of your existence. This is genuinely painful and probably the closest film to almost make it onto this list, this could almost make Twilight haters into life-long fans just as a defensive reaction. Vampires Suck in the vein of the later Scary Movies and the spin-off series of ‘Movie’ Movies, which in itself is unforgivable. When your best joke is to attack Black Eyed Peas wardrobe, you know your film may not be Oscar worthy.

No.8 may surprise some people tomorrow... Til then!

Worst Films Of 2010 No.10 - Leap Year

Plot:

A girl likes a guy. Apparently, she can only propose to her guy on a leap year in Ireland, which has been taken over by a strange breed of insanely racist caricatures. Will she fall for the rather smelly looking, Aran sweater-loving, oh-so-Irish he’s almost a caveman Matthew Goode? Will she get into bar fights and wacky hi-jinks? Will there be semi-rapist farmers at every turn, demanding soft-core pornography in return for shelter? Be Jaysus you betcha!

Reasons it’s on the list:

Leap Year is just flat out racist and offensive. Even my huge soft spot for Amy Adams can’t save this film from ridicule. There is so little to praise here, bar some nice scenic shots (Although its sad that those discover Ireland shots do a better job) and Amy Adams at least trying to make this charming.

Everything is a play on how ‘quaint’ and ‘different’ Ireland and its inhabitants are. Different not just from pretty but fastidious Americans, but also from every other human being on the planet. Maybe I just happened to miss that my homeland is full of 1920’s train stations, possesses in total approximately 8 cars and the we suffer the occasionally tropical monsoon. Aside from my own bruised national pride, the film has zero chemistry between its leads, an obvious and saccharine ending, jokes that include cutting a chickens head off for comedic effect and did I mention the racism?

Down With This Sort Of Thing!

If you hated this, also avoid: When In Rome

Also awful and almost as racist, When In Rome sees Kristen Bell steal some coins from a magic fountain causing men to fall for her in increasingly unfunny and drawn-out ways. After messing with these men’s heads, she returns the coins and (wouldn’t you know it) finds love in all the right places, a public fountain in Italy. Oh and Danny DeVito is in there somewhere, probably to appeal to the ugly dwarf market or something (Just playing Danny, you know I love you). A mindless film that portrays Italians as self-obsessed morons and Americans as wacky oddballs, this only avoids the list due to at least having slightly more heart in its third chapter. Still dreadful mind you.

See you tomorrow for No.9, til then!

The Worst Films Of 2010

Hey all!

As another year has ended and Santa still hasn’t brought me my Megazoid I asked for 14 years ago (bastard). As such dark thoughts fill my otherwise festive mind and I am reminded that 2010 wasn’t all that giving a year either. Oh don’t get me wrong, there were good films (and a whole other list, surprisingly entitled ‘The Best of 2010’, will look at that one in more detail) but for the most part, fuck last year.

2011 Will Hopefully Be Made Up Entirely Of Breasts, Steak And The Beast-Master Musical From Robot Chicken

We saw once great directors prove they may be past their prime (Kevin Smith), bad directors prove they are not past being bad (M. Night Shyamalan) and some sexist nonsense (Sex in the City 2) ended up making triple the amount of money in the box office that bona-fide masterpieces like Scott Pilgrim Vs The World made.

All films on the list had to get even a limited cinematic release in Ireland between January 1^st to December 31^st 2010. I’ll be releasing the worst of list at one film a day until we reach number one, then taking a brief break before doing the best of list in a similar fashion. Also since I obviously didn’t see every film due to work, relationships and having a life, I may have missed a film or two. Please feel free to point out what an absolute failure this makes me, not just at reviewing but at life in general and how this is only further evidence that I will die cold and alone.

Oh and happy New Year guys!

Update - Holidays!

Hey All!

So yeah, work always gets rather busy around Christmas (I work with the disabled, in case your vaguely curious) and as such I ain't going to be able to write any articles until maybe mid-January. I have been very eager for Christmas this year and plan to use this break to the full!

The Question We All Must Ask

It's been one hell of year. Thank you to everyone who helped make this year one of the stranger, more stressful and more exciting years of my 24 years on this Earth thus far. Sadly out of respect to all my friends, nearly all my stories from this year are sadly off-limits. To add to the strangeness (& for those of you who don't live in Ireland) this has been happening.

Either That Or Snow, Although We All Know It Doesn't Snow In Ireland.

Time to plan how to get home to the country without dying on dodgy bendy country roads.

So all going well, until next time!

Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life (Volume One) Best Of

Hey all!

This is part one of a six part project looking at the best sections from each issue of the Scott Pilgrim comic book series. All moments are chronologically presented as they appear through-out the story and I'll leave it up to you to rank them quality-wise. For a full review of the concept and a review of the comics, click here!

Anyhow, onwards!

_________________________________________

Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life (Volume 1)

Scott Pilgrim's life is totally sweet. He's 23 years old, he's in a rock band, he's "between jobs," and he's dating a cute high school girl. Nothing could possibly go wrong, unless a seriously mind-blowing, dangerously fashionable, rollerblading delivery girl named Ramona Flowers starts cruising through his dreams and sailing by him at parties. Will Scott's awesome life get turned upside-down? Will he have to face Ramona's seven evil ex-boyfriends in battle? The short answer is yes. The long answer is Scott Pilgrim, Volume 1: Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life.

Moment Number 10 - Introducing Sex Bom-Omb (Play Along!)

A great way to introduce the band Sex Bom-Omb, whose members the core of the story. The addition of a play-along and the constant reminders that they suck immediately make them endearing, not to mention kind of awesome.

Moment Number 9 - Train Spotting Confusion

I thought this was very funny and another nice cultural reference. That's all really!

Moment Number 8 - Knives Chau's First Kiss

A rather sad moment, played for laughs. which works here strangely. Scott's fear of anything 'real' and his mis-treatment of Knives is one of the most tragic parts of the series for me and it all starts here.

Moment Number 7 - "You Sleep With A Guy! Ah Ha Ha!"

This scene is a cutesy budding romance scene with a bit more bite. Ramoma is already showing that, unlike Knives, she can run rings around Scott.

Moment Number 6 - Romona & Scott, Who Didn't See This Coming?

The true central theme of the book! Also, this shows a far less noble side to Scott, considering he is cheating on Knives. The book can be read as quite morally ambiguous from here on, which only serves to make the series more interesting and true to real life.

Also, doesn't this panel capture that first kiss with someone you really like rather well?

Moment Number 5 - "A Girl Drummer?!"

In one panel and a simple joke, Kim's character traits (being a bad-ass, somewhat angry but still quite sensitive girl) are flashed at us for a second. It's a very clever and fast character moment.

Moment Number 4 - The Gig, Everybody Meets Everybody, Scott's An Idiot

A true Scott moment. Only he would invite his girlfriend, the girl he is cheating with and all his gossipy friends to the same gig. Having wallace eyeball stacy's boyfriend is also a nice touch.

Moment Number 3 - "Their Song Was Only 0.4 Seconds Long? Their Good..."

A nice mock-up of arty-rockbands and a suitable challenger for Sex Bom-omb.

Moment Number 2 - Space Channel 5 Defense!

It's another game reference, this time to the dreamcast's 'Space channel 5'. If you got this reference, i officially think your awesome

Moment Number 1 - "Only $2.10? Aw!"

Ex-boyfriends turn into coins when defeated? That is the best video-game reference ever!

Volume 1 is a great introduction to a huge range of characters from this universe. While it has it's problems, including some of the weakest art of the series (Although thats somewhat deliberate) and an ending fight that derails the tone of the story, its still a very fun, fast and surprisingly clever review of young adults and generation gamer in general. This issue does a fantastic job of hinting at the complex and varied characters we will later get to met in greater detail in later issues. Every character seems to already be fully formed here and it is just up to us to get to know them better, which is a very hard thing to get right one issue in. Throw in references to games, bands, films and the city of Toronto itself and you have the first volume of one of the best series of the last few years.

Rather then go into anymore detail, go buy the damn book and enjoy it yourself! Do let me know if you see any moments I missed.

Til next time!