Worst Films of 2010 No.5 - Jonah Hex

Plot:

A cowboy bounty hunter with a horrifically scarred face and a borderline sociopathic attitude to the world but holding a strange set of moral principles seeks merely to survive in the brutal old west... Oh wait thats the recent Jonah Hex comics, one of my favourite comic revivals of all time. The film Jonah Hex is some crud about voodoo zombies and the spirit world.

Reasons it’s on the list:

Put simply, do you think that Mastodon (an avant-grade Metalcore band) should score a western? If you answered yes then you sir are an idiot. You may also be Jimmy Hayward, the director of the abomination known as Jonah Hex. While one would think it obvious to not have heavily distorted 7-string guitars wailing over the wild western landscape (although its arguably a better choice then hip-hop, am I right Wild Wild West?) its a masterstroke in comparison to the other choices that went into this film. Josh Brolin plays the titular character through some of the worst prosthetics this side of questionable surgery. The plot is not made any easier to follow thanks to Brolin's constant enforced mumbling, although the plots main problem stems from ignorance of such standards of film as 'coherent story-telling' and 'basic three act structure' and 'sense'. The only genuinely average moment (yes, its that bad) is an animated opening segment done in very pretty cell-shading style.

The amount of changes from the comic are staggeringly large and unnecessary. Hex can speak to the dead after a near death experience, something that even in the comics he couldn't do, because its stupid. His nemesis Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) is no longer a slavery with a rich and even sometimes sympathetic backstory but instead a pale terrorist metaphor with a silly beard. As for the prostitute, thats Megan Fox, who also portrays a prostitute in the film (boom boom crash!). In the comics, she would be playing Tallulah Black, a female bounty hunter. Also very badly scarred much like Hex, she shares a violent and very complex relationship with him. Here Megan Fox plays Lilith, a sassy and beautiful prostitute that loves Hex in a boring and poorly acted way instead.

Why change the characters from the comics? Whats wrong with the tales of a gunslinger who was also a total bastard, killing all who got in his way and doing good in the most brutal ways possible. But if theres one thing, beyond even the difference in plot, backstory or style that should never have been changed in that transfer from comics to silver screen, its the violence. The comics of Jonah Hex are remarkably violent and vicious, often showing Hex do such lovely things as show a gentleman the head of his former bodyguard to prove that Hex is serious. Here the censors scissors are attacking every 8th frame. Even scenes involving tomahawk-related murder are toned down to a kid-friendly PG13 rating, which up until now I didn't imagine was possible. I despise this movie and its utter lack of respect for its source material and the audience in general.

A Real Man, Making A Crocodile His Bitch.

If you hated this, also avoid: Stop. Seriously, hold on a second.

This section applied on the earlier films on this list. But not from here on in. Im convinced that from Jonah Hex onward the No.1, the films I'll be listing are so awful that they are literally without peers within their respective genres. So instead...

Watching this film feels like: Having your face melted off by indians who feel you have shamed their culture. Like what happened in the comic. Damn film retcons...

Afraid? You should be, especially with No.4 coming tomorrow at 4pm, til then...

Worst Films of 2010 No.6 - Killers

Plot:

Ever seen Mr & Miss Smith? No? Ok then, lady meets attractive and slightly mysterious man while on holidays. Cue whirlwind romance and marriage, cue people trying to kill them, both in the movie and shortly after the first audiences leave the theaters.

Reasons it’s on the list:

Oh goody, a film featuring two of my least favourite actors, the gormless idiot from Mtv's Punk'd and the blonde one from Grey's Anatomy. Ashton Kutcher has always been an actor whose luck is grossly disproportionate to his skill. From having Harrison Ford point out his lack of any talent on Hollywood Homicide (a film they both co-starred in!) to being the frontman of the worst tv show of all time (ok aside from Wifeswap, seriously what the hell?) Kutcher's continued appearance on the silver screen confuses me. On the other hand Katherine Heigl at least started strong by appearing in the smart and funny Knocked Up. She has just gotten lazy since then however and now seems to live on a diet of drivel like Killers.

As for the film itself, let me describe a typical scene. Some bad guys will show up, only to get brutally murdered by Spencer (Kutcher). Jen (Heigl) will then make a weak rom-com pun about it and we are expected not to get vicious whiplash from this utter tonal shift. That goes on for most of this film. Director Robert Luketic seems to try to be splicing his only major hit (Legally Blonde) with The Bourne Legacy. I shouldn't need to point out how little this formula works. As with any film where the tone is unsteady, no real connection is formed and instead the film quickly grows tedious. Even the talents of Tom Selleck and Catherine O'Hara as Jens parents cant save this, which would be hard in either case as they are not used at all beyond adding more names to the credits.

This would just be a disappointing trip to the cinema were it not for the lack of anything memorable in the entire film. Seriously when I wanted to write this review I first had to re-watch this film and when I sat to write this review a few days later I'd forgotten it all over again. Its a black hole of a film that lacks anything remotely interesting. Its worse then just a weak bad film, its an absolute waste of time. For me personally there is very little in the world quite as awful. Say what you will about the other films on this list so far but I do recall The Last Airbender. Try as I might not to.

Yes This May Be Slightly Lazy. But Tell Me I'm Wrong, I Dare You.

If you hated this, also avoid: The Bounty Hunter

The Bounty Hunter is just strange and upsetting. Gerard Bulter couldn’t be more aware his film sucks as he goes after his ex-wife, Jenifer Aniston (who at least can act like a stung ex pretty well, zing!!). The music in this film is oddly just out of place with everything going on in every scene as to remind one of nails on a chalk board. Its inept to the point of maddening. Gerald looks so uncomfortable you want to give him a hug and the script is painfully full of cute moments and little else, all of which are annoying. It is at least far more memorable thenKillers, as I remember wanting to leave the cinema.

Now it gets serious. The top five worst films of the year, No.5 coming up at 4pm tomorrow. Til then!

Worst Films of 2010 No.7 - Cop Out

Plot:

It’s got Tracey Morgan in it, being Tracey Morgan. Also Bruce Willis playing yet another old and worn out cop. Something about Baseball cards. Look its a buddy cop film, this isn't Shakespeare.

Reasons it’s on the list:

I typically love a good genre film. There is nothing wrong with being a little predictable if you can be fun as well. Kevin Smith as director for Cop Out therefore (initially) sounded like a great idea to me. Having a long and proud history of making us laugh... well ok maybe that's a grotesque exaggeration, more like a small cluster of interesting, funny films and 10 years of wandering the cinematic wilderness... Cop Out doesn't change this.

Seriously why are Kevin Smith films still cultural landmarks? Aside from Dogma, Clerks and the excellent Chasing Amy Smith has released repetitive stoner-culture nonsense films that boast about how clever they is and never actually prove it. In fairness, he has always had an ear for hip, quotable dialogue and he's still a better film writer then he is a director. So therefore I admit I was wrong, having Smith take someone else's script and direct it should have sounded like a terrible idea. Because it is. Silly me.

Enough on Smith and the overly long point that the film is shot in a dull manner for a buddy cop film, why is Cop Out really on this list? Well Tracey Morgan is a major reason. Playing a low rent version of himself from 30 Rock, his dumb black man in a white mans world routine is lazy and tired, not to mention majorly offensive. He single-handedly is undoing years of positive race relations by playing this character that en-compromises all that is worst about cinema's depiction of an entire race. I hate this actor and the fact he can play exactly one character, his unlikable self.

Moving beyond Tracey, Bruce Willis continues the trend he has been on since Unbreakable of just not caring at all. He is boring and bored in this film, which I would be too if almost a quarter of my movie was spent swapping lame one-liners with Tracey Morgan dressed as a cell-phone. The villain Poh Boy (Guillermo Diaz) is one of the most pathetically laughable thugs I have seen all year. Even worse, he is not played for laughs at all and instead we are supposed to be scared of this character who makes Jesse from Breaking Bad seem legitimately street. Oh and Seann William Scott doing awful Bugs Bunny impersonations was just the icing on the cake.

Kevin Smith has done himself no favours whatsoever here, even goes so far as to suggest to charge film reviewers in to see future films of his after the critical drub-down Cop Out received. That's kind of telling wouldn't you say? This is like a half-baked bad TV show that just goes on too long. Smith, you have lost your way and made a film that as easily could have based for Beverly Hills X, for shame.

No I'm In A Film. No It's Shit!

If you hated this, also avoid: The Other Guys

I did struggle with which one of these films to include, but the choice was made for me when I remembered the excellent cameo that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Samuel Jackson have in The Other Guys as super-hero police men. Aside from that this film is a weak Will Farrell vehicle at best and watching Mark Wahlberg play a far more mainstream-friendly version of his incredible performance in The Departed really hurts. More-over, its hard to think of a good reason to even watch the damn thing. We all know what Will Farrell movies involve and if you desire that kind of film just go watch Anchorman. Not quite as annoying and flat as Cop Out but that is faint praise indeed.

Oh I'll bet your all very excited about No.6 aren't you? 4pm tomorrow, be here! Til then!

Worst Films of 2010 No.8 – The Last Airbender

Plot:

Four different races, each in command of a certain element (Air, Earth, Water and Fire, Heart wasn't invited) are currently engaged in a huge war started by the Fire Nation under Fire Lord Ozai (Cliff Curtis) and that kid from Slumdog Millionaire (Dev Patel). M. Night Shyamalan goes into the warzone to give you all the badly edited action, incredibly limited acting and wantabe 3D effects fitting of an epic adapted from one of the best cartoon of the last five years. By their powers combined, The Last Airbender is easily one of the worst adaptations of all time.

Reasons it’s on the list:

Relative to a budget of €150 million comes a film that looks like it was made for €150. The effects all look unfinished; the acting is mostly at primary school play level and its all so darkly shot and paced so poorly that it is exceptionally hard to keep track of what’s going on. While this topped a lot of other critic’s lists for worst film of the year, I’m inclined to say that’s mostly down to how ‘safe’ it has become to bash Shyamalan since his last film, the proto-B movie disaster that was The Happening.The Last Airbender is undeniably a failure but there are saving graces, such as newcomer Noah Ringer at least somewhat selling the central character Aang to us. Some of the fight scenes have a nice fluidness to them that I enjoyed. Elsewhere, Dev Patel shows that he’s still a very strong newcomer, although I can’t imagine his career recovering from this kiss of death anytime soon.

Still, it’s 8^th on this list for a very good reason, namely its script is almost certainly one of the most exposition heavy and clunky that I have ever seen in a major summer blockbuster (bar perhaps Tranformers 2). From Oscar nods for The 6th Sense to lines like "I could tell at once that you were a bender, and that you would realise your destiny"', Shyamalan has fallen far. Even without the homosexual connotations that myself and the rest of the cinema noticed in that line (oh how we laughed), its typical of the awkward, unnatural-sounding dialogue the film is built on.

The Last Airbenders script is flat-out broken. It's not just weak, its self-contradicting, unintentionally hilarious and over the top, all the time striving for an epic air it just can't... quite... reach. Now why does that sound like another script I can think of...

Ohhh... Edgy!

If you hated this, also avoid: The Sorcerers Apprentice

The Sorcerers Apprentice is an exercise in nothingness. Its utterly and entirely forgetful. Even cheese-king (also my favorite actor) Nicolas Cage looks sick of this film from the moment he appears. Even worse is the fact that the effects team clearly put effort into their work. Damn it though if Jay Baruchel doesn’t ham himself into the ground in the most extreme attempt at over-compensation since the last time Tom Sizemore bedded someone. Not a proud day for anyone involved and not even so-bad-its-good in the vein Nicolas Cage does so well. Also a scene involving jump starting someone’s heart, which just proves the old adage that basing scenes on Motley Crue songs rarely works.

So yeah, the expected 1st is in fact 8th on the list, anyone want to start placing bets on the real No.1... but before that I'll see you all tomorrow for No.7, til then!

Worst Films of 2010 No.9 – Twilight: Eclipse

Plot:

Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) likes Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a vampire whose massive forehead can be seen from space. Strangely, rather then being an epic, heart-warming drama focusing on dealing with his physical deformity, Twilight: Eclipse is instead a love story, if love was less co-dependance and closer to drug addiction (personal Heroin if you will). Oh and there’s Jacob (Taylor Lautner) who is a werewolf and also a far better partner for Bella, as he doesn't pretend she isn't there most of the time. Also, there's something about a group of vampires out to kill Bella too but seriously, she is like super in love with Edward and kinda Jacob too but not really. Like seriously, OMG you guys Edward is like sooooooo hawt, Lol!

Reasons it’s on the list:

While I didn’t expect a masterpiece, I did expect a laugh, some cheap titters at awfully written characters and bizarre motivations. That’s really what the Twilight series has come to represent for me. I'm not being anti-Twilight because its the cool thing for critics to do, the series is IMPOSSIBLE to take seriously, seeming to exist solely as an exercise in lampooning itself. But Twilight: Eclipse changed all that and was actually a relatively well acted and nicely shot film, to its credit. Sadly this ruined the fun.

Without the awkward joy of the first films hammy dialogue and stiff delivery, lacking the outright comedy that was the second films rejected Dawson’s Creek tone; this series exposes its insane plot and truly terrible characters. Even if your a fan of the books and like the story, the film has zero joy attached to it and unlike the book which allow you to place yourself in Bella's place,here its all exposition and forcing you to sympathise with characters that define unlikeable. The entire film is painfully dull and pointless, especially seeing as the trailers alluded to such an exciting, dark film. The only real darkness comes from the protagonist Bella Swan, who becomes one of the biggest villains in cinema history at the end. This is even more horrific when you consider Twilight's influence on the young girls and confused guys globally. Allowing your lead character to not just be unlikable but a total bitch (Telling Jacob she loves him only to reject him immediately afterwards) and then having the nerve to suggest this is the right thing to do… wow.

Clearly...

If you hated this, also avoid: Vampires Suck

It’s sad when a film tries to make fun of something and ends up being less funny then the subject it’s ridiculing. Vampires Suck is unfunny, unoriginal and a waste of your existence. This is genuinely painful and probably the closest film to almost make it onto this list, this could almost make Twilight haters into life-long fans just as a defensive reaction. Vampires Suck in the vein of the later Scary Movies and the spin-off series of ‘Movie’ Movies, which in itself is unforgivable. When your best joke is to attack Black Eyed Peas wardrobe, you know your film may not be Oscar worthy.

No.8 may surprise some people tomorrow... Til then!

Worst Films Of 2010 No.10 - Leap Year

Plot:

A girl likes a guy. Apparently, she can only propose to her guy on a leap year in Ireland, which has been taken over by a strange breed of insanely racist caricatures. Will she fall for the rather smelly looking, Aran sweater-loving, oh-so-Irish he’s almost a caveman Matthew Goode? Will she get into bar fights and wacky hi-jinks? Will there be semi-rapist farmers at every turn, demanding soft-core pornography in return for shelter? Be Jaysus you betcha!

Reasons it’s on the list:

Leap Year is just flat out racist and offensive. Even my huge soft spot for Amy Adams can’t save this film from ridicule. There is so little to praise here, bar some nice scenic shots (Although its sad that those discover Ireland shots do a better job) and Amy Adams at least trying to make this charming.

Everything is a play on how ‘quaint’ and ‘different’ Ireland and its inhabitants are. Different not just from pretty but fastidious Americans, but also from every other human being on the planet. Maybe I just happened to miss that my homeland is full of 1920’s train stations, possesses in total approximately 8 cars and the we suffer the occasionally tropical monsoon. Aside from my own bruised national pride, the film has zero chemistry between its leads, an obvious and saccharine ending, jokes that include cutting a chickens head off for comedic effect and did I mention the racism?

Down With This Sort Of Thing!

If you hated this, also avoid: When In Rome

Also awful and almost as racist, When In Rome sees Kristen Bell steal some coins from a magic fountain causing men to fall for her in increasingly unfunny and drawn-out ways. After messing with these men’s heads, she returns the coins and (wouldn’t you know it) finds love in all the right places, a public fountain in Italy. Oh and Danny DeVito is in there somewhere, probably to appeal to the ugly dwarf market or something (Just playing Danny, you know I love you). A mindless film that portrays Italians as self-obsessed morons and Americans as wacky oddballs, this only avoids the list due to at least having slightly more heart in its third chapter. Still dreadful mind you.

See you tomorrow for No.9, til then!

The Worst Films Of 2010

Hey all!

As another year has ended and Santa still hasn’t brought me my Megazoid I asked for 14 years ago (bastard). As such dark thoughts fill my otherwise festive mind and I am reminded that 2010 wasn’t all that giving a year either. Oh don’t get me wrong, there were good films (and a whole other list, surprisingly entitled ‘The Best of 2010’, will look at that one in more detail) but for the most part, fuck last year.

2011 Will Hopefully Be Made Up Entirely Of Breasts, Steak And The Beast-Master Musical From Robot Chicken

We saw once great directors prove they may be past their prime (Kevin Smith), bad directors prove they are not past being bad (M. Night Shyamalan) and some sexist nonsense (Sex in the City 2) ended up making triple the amount of money in the box office that bona-fide masterpieces like Scott Pilgrim Vs The World made.

All films on the list had to get even a limited cinematic release in Ireland between January 1^st to December 31^st 2010. I’ll be releasing the worst of list at one film a day until we reach number one, then taking a brief break before doing the best of list in a similar fashion. Also since I obviously didn’t see every film due to work, relationships and having a life, I may have missed a film or two. Please feel free to point out what an absolute failure this makes me, not just at reviewing but at life in general and how this is only further evidence that I will die cold and alone.

Oh and happy New Year guys!