Saturday, January 8, 2011

Worst Films of 2010 No.4 - The Wolfman (2010)


It's a remake of The Wolf Man from 1941! You know, Lon Chaney Jr's finest hour, a classic of the silver screen, not just an amazing horror film but a genuine work of art, about a man who changes into an upright dog whenever the moon tells him to. In all seriousness, Larry Talbot's struggle and ultimate inability to tame to beast within has rich undertones, elements of Greek tragedy (what an ending) and is undoubtedly the one werewolf film you simply must see. That, however, was the original.

Reasons it’s on the list:

If the rule of thumb for remakes of classics reads 'don't even watch the original' then congratulations The Wolfman (2010) because you have no idea what kind of film the original was at all do you? Did you suspect it was a documentary, an examination of a creature in the wild? Is that why you show us the monster in the opening sequence, within the first 45 seconds? Is that why he looks stupid, to make it feel more natural or something?

No wait, now you want to be a searing psychological thriller. You can hire Benicio Del Toro's massive bushy eyebrows to play Lawrence Talbot. Oh dear, the eyebrows contract states that he will only work if his partner Benicio gets hired too? Good luck keeping him awake! You'd never guess he was a huge fan of the original would you, considering how stoned and lazy he plays this role.

To add some spice, it might be a good call to get Anthony Hopkins to play Sir John Talbot, he's an amazing actor would can do subtle very well. What on earth do you mean he shows promise at playing crafty, evil types? In the original Sir John wasn't evil but more of a father at ends with his son. Screw convention you say, lets tell Hopkins to act like the villain at a pantomime and deliver his lines with so much ham that no-one of Hebrew background will be able to watch? Well it is your movie I guess.

Have you ruined enough important characters yet? oh now you want to hire Hugo Weaving to play policeman Alberline like he was on the set of Taggart? Please tell me your all set now...Oh and your going to hire Emily Blunt but give her nothing whatsoever to do, wouldn't want actual chemistry or a sense of relatable loss and hopelessness now would we? Gentlemen, you have achieved that rare singularity of very good actors doing awful jobs with their poorly written roles, give yourselves a pat on the back and go jump under a train.

Are you clumsily morphing into an action film now? Oh its ok you don't have to make excuses, I'm sure writing characters is hard. Ok now to keep the teenagers interested, you want to do that shaky camera action scene stuff that was the absolute worst part of films like The Dark Knight and not even use this trick to conceal the monster? Speaking of, the wolfman himself looks like a large badly made teddy bear, did you build him out of carpet and the restless souls of the originals crew? You would never guess that The Wolfman (2010) managed to get the same special effects guy (Rick Baker) that worked on the 'film' Norbit would you? Making monster movies is hard too isn't it? Why keep adding more un-rendered CGI, do you want the transformations to cost a fortune and still look like something out of a PS2 game? As for adding more blood and making it insanely gory, wouldn't that kill the teenage demographic this film seems desperate to impress or are you now making some kind of torture porn horror film?

Good thing you fired that first director Mark Romanek after his concerns that the effects would look cheap eh? Then you end up releasing the film almost three years later then projected due to looking for director Joe Johnston, genius! I've got to hand it to you brave people at the modern day Universal studio lot, you sure do know how to deliver your horror/psychological thriller/slasher/torture porn/monster movie/love story/vaguely historical mental care examination/wild-life documentary/extended episode of The Bill don't you?

Think it might be a bit messy for the average cinema goer? Ah well, at least horror is a relatively secure cinematic market these days... oh but you forgot to make it scary or disturbing in any way, oh dear! Let's hope nostalgia won't make this film appear even worse then it already is or you might end up on some snotty critics "worst of 2010" list or something.

Him? Evil? Did Not See That Coming.

Watching this film feels like: Rape by the worlds most sexually frustrated and poorly dressed grizzly bear.

So weak... so much awful... must fight good fight against... cinematic void, film No.3, tomorrow at 4pm, til then...

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