A cowboy bounty hunter with a horrifically scarred face and a borderline sociopathic attitude to the world but holding a strange set of moral principles seeks merely to survive in the brutal old west... Oh wait thats the recent Jonah Hex comics, one of my favourite comic revivals of all time. The film Jonah Hex is some crud about voodoo zombies and the spirit world.
Reasons it’s on the list:
Put simply, do you think that Mastodon (an avant-grade Metalcore band) should score a western? If you answered yes then you sir are an idiot. You may also be Jimmy Hayward, the director of the abomination known as Jonah Hex. While one would think it obvious to not have heavily distorted 7-string guitars wailing over the wild western landscape (although its arguably a better choice then hip-hop, am I right Wild Wild West?) its a masterstroke in comparison to the other choices that went into this film. Josh Brolin plays the titular character through some of the worst prosthetics this side of questionable surgery. The plot is not made any easier to follow thanks to Brolin's constant enforced mumbling, although the plots main problem stems from ignorance of such standards of film as 'coherent story-telling' and 'basic three act structure' and 'sense'. The only genuinely average moment (yes, its that bad) is an animated opening segment done in very pretty cell-shading style.
The amount of changes from the comic are staggeringly large and unnecessary. Hex can speak to the dead after a near death experience, something that even in the comics he couldn't do, because its stupid. His nemesis Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) is no longer a slavery with a rich and even sometimes sympathetic backstory but instead a pale terrorist metaphor with a silly beard. As for the prostitute, thats Megan Fox, who also portrays a prostitute in the film (boom boom crash!). In the comics, she would be playing Tallulah Black, a female bounty hunter. Also very badly scarred much like Hex, she shares a violent and very complex relationship with him. Here Megan Fox plays Lilith, a sassy and beautiful prostitute that loves Hex in a boring and poorly acted way instead.
Why change the characters from the comics? Whats wrong with the tales of a gunslinger who was also a total bastard, killing all who got in his way and doing good in the most brutal ways possible. But if theres one thing, beyond even the difference in plot, backstory or style that should never have been changed in that transfer from comics to silver screen, its the violence. The comics of Jonah Hex are remarkably violent and vicious, often showing Hex do such lovely things as show a gentleman the head of his former bodyguard to prove that Hex is serious. Here the censors scissors are attacking every 8th frame. Even scenes involving tomahawk-related murder are toned down to a kid-friendly PG13 rating, which up until now I didn't imagine was possible. I despise this movie and its utter lack of respect for its source material and the audience in general.
A Real Man, Making A Crocodile His Bitch.
If you hated this, also avoid: Stop. Seriously, hold on a second.
This section applied on the earlier films on this list. But not from here on in. Im convinced that from Jonah Hex onward the No.1, the films I'll be listing are so awful that they are literally without peers within their respective genres. So instead...
Watching this film feels like: Having your face melted off by indians who feel you have shamed their culture. Like what happened in the comic. Damn film retcons...
Afraid? You should be, especially with No.4 coming tomorrow at 4pm, til then...